The word “forgiveness” means to let go. What are we letting go of? I must abandon my desire to harm those who have harmed me. It also means to forgive debts and to abandon resentment.
When someone harms another person, it’s natural to think about seeking revenge. This tendency for retribution exists not only among humans but also among animals. If you harm a dog, it’s likely to bark, lunge at you, and even bite you. However, humans are far superior to animals. Therefore, humans have the ability to forgive those who have harmed them, and they should forgive.
Forgiveness is a journey toward wellness. Today, thousands are enslaved by depression, anxiety, and mental stress because they cannot forgive. Some studies have shown that heart disease, stomach ailments, ulcers, and joint pain can all be caused by an inability to forgive. Through forgiveness, one can regain both mental and physical health simultaneously. Forgiveness is a gift of love that one gives to their own heart. When forgiving, the person who benefits most is the one who forgives.
If anyone thinks that the person who forgives loses and the person who harmed wins, they are mistaken. Mahatma Gandhi said that the weak cannot forgive; forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.
Forgiveness does not justify the wrong or those who did wrong. Rather, it marks the beginning of a new start. It’s not merely an emotion but a firm decision—a decision that must be made every day. Norman Cousins’ words, “Life is a daring adventure of forgiveness,” are profoundly true. Forgiveness is essential to move forward with new perspectives toward the future, rather than living in the past filled with hatred, vengeance, and anger.
Many have told me that they wish to forgive and have often tried, but when situations arise, they find it difficult. For such people, I’ll share a model for forgiveness known as the REACH MODEL.
1.Recall the Event:
I remember all the people who have harmed me. Under each person’s name, I note the harms they’ve done to me. First, consider those people and events that are not too difficult to forgive. Save the most difficult people and events for last.
2. Empathize with the Aggressor:
This is the ability to identify with another person’s personality. Each individual has circumstances and experiences in which they grew up. Such circumstances and experiences largely determine their personality. Good and evil exist in all people. When we understand the truth that even the best among us have some evil and the worst have some good, we will be filled with empathy.
3. Altruistic Gift of Forgiveness:
This has three levels
(a) Consider a situation where you made a mistake. Remembering the joy you felt when you were forgiven, forgive the person who harmed you. Whether or not that person deserves forgiveness is not the issue. Just as you received undeserved forgiveness, give forgiveness to those who don’t deserve it.
(b) Seek God’s help if you find it difficult to forgive yourself.
(c) Pray for the person who harmed you.
4. Commit Publicly to Forgive
Share your hurtful experience and your desire to forgive the person who hurt you with someone you trust. This could be a spiritual guide, a friend, or a psychologist. Another thing you can do is write a letter to the person who harmed you (not necessarily to send it, but just as a way to express your feelings). Alternatively, create a certificate stating “I forgive you” for that person.
5. Hold on to Forgiveness:
After forgiving, one experiences great freedom and joy. However, after some time, thoughts of vengeance and anger might return. In such situations, tell yourself, “I have forgiven. I don’t need feelings of anger.” Try your utmost to persist in forgiveness.
Rev. Dr. Tom Pannalakunnel MSFS
